YOUNGEST COUNCILLOR IN CORNWALL ELECTED UNOPPOSED

YOUNGEST COUNCILLOR IN CORNWALL ELECTED UNOPPOSED

Joe Vinson reacted with delight today when it was officially announced he is the youngest councillor in Cornwall and possibly England.

The President of the Student Union at Cornwall College was elected unopposed to St Agnes Parish Council this morning as a Labour Councillor.  Joe was 18 on 2^nd July this year.

Joe said “I am really pleased.  I was hoping for an election as there are many issues people feel strongly about here in St Agnes – not least the recent failure of St Agnes to represent the community properly and the scandalous waste of money fighting among themselves.

“As I younger person I want to make a difference.  I want to ensure younger people are represented in every area of life from parliament to parish.  St Agnes is my village.  I grew up here and the community deserves a parish council that works for the village rather than fighting one another.”

Joe is active in both Labour and student politics.  He is Youth Officer of Truro and Falmouth Labour Party and was recently elected to the NUS’s Society and Citizenship Committee.  Joe is also Chair of Cornwall Young Labour.

Joe joins a number of other councillors elected to represent Labour across Cornwall in recent months.

 

It makes you proud to be British

Education and research in Britain may be under threat but it is heartening to see that our research can still cut it with the world’s best

It is with absolute pride that I can report that Britain has proved its supremacy in scientific research after landing no less than FOUR awards at the annual Ig Nobel awards ceremony at Harvard University.

Researchers from across the UK were honoured for achievements that included proof that swearing relieves pain, a means of collecting whale snot with a remote-controlled helicopter and the first documented case of fellatio in fruit bats.

The ceremony, hosted by the Harvard-based journal Annals of Improbable Research, took place last night with the much-coveted prizes handed out by real Nobel laureates. Recipients were allowed a maximum of 60 seconds to deliver their acceptance speech, a time limit enforced by an eight-year-old girl
.
Commenting on the strong showing of UK scientists this year, Marc Abrahams, the master of ceremonies, told the Guardian: “The nation may agonise over its place in the world, but in this one thing at least, Britannia rules.”

Please be upstanding for the playing of Barwick Green, the TRUE National Anthem as we celebrate these Ig Nobel triumphs

advanced English test

offensive english test

Finally! A test that gets down to the nitty gritty of the English language!

The Test of English for Offensive Communication is being introduced as a result of numerous student complaints that when they go overseas, they can’t understand the abuse being hurled at them. The TOEOC test hopes to change all that.

Below is a sample of the type of questions that examinees can expect to face.

Part V – Reading
In this section of the test, you should choose the word that best fits the blank.

1. They only had four beers but when they saw the bill they couldn’t believe
how ____________ expensive it was.
(A) faking
(B) fork
(C) fucking
(D) Frank

2. When my English teacher dropped his pen on the floor, I think I heard him
say ____________.
(A) sheets
(B) shiny
(C) shells
(D) shit

3. The silly ____________ got so drunk that he threw up on my futon.
(A) bastard
(B) bar steward
(C) bar stool
(D) basket of apples

4. He spilt beer all over my new suit and as a consequence I had no choice
but to kick him in the ____________.
(A) bells
(B) bollys
(C) bollocks
(D) ballyhoo

5. Ted wasn’t used to doing overtime without pay so he told his boss to stick it up his ___________.
(A) grass
(B) farce
(C) sparse
(D) arse

Part VI
In this section of the test, identify the bold word which should be
corrected or rewritten.

1. All of the teachers planned diligently for there lessons, except for Dave
who couldn’t give a toss.

2. When the man groped her on the busy train, she politely call him a twat
and bit his ear.

3. I’m shore my teacher farted when he sneezed during today’s lesson, but the bullshitter pretended nothing happened.

4. Joan tried to get the hanging of using chopsticks but after three hours she
gave up and said, “I can’t be fucked with these any more.”

5. He drank so much beer that he couldn’t help pissing himself on the subway
train, although no one seemed too mind.

6. The intense humidity of summer always made Alex feel like a peace of shit.

Photograph section
In this section of the test, choose the sentence that best suits the photograph.

1.

(A) He might be a banker.
(B) He looks like a tank.
(C) He’s a bit of a wanker.
(D) He is thanking the crank.

2.

(A) There is a fire in the park.
(B) There are many cars on the road.
(C) There is a house on the farm.
(D) There are shitloads of people.

3.

(A) The man is stroking the dog nicely.
(B) The dog is happy and calm in the garden.
(C) The man is teaching the dog to be kind.
(D) The dog is attacking the poor fucker.

4.

(A) He is playing the piano.
(B) He is talking on the phone.
(C) His teeth are fucking awful.
(D) He is cleaning the room.

5.

(A) He is posting the letter.
(B) He is pasting the wallpaper on the wall.
(C) He is skiing on the piste.
(D) He is pissing on the wall.

Score:
75-100% Fuckin’ A!
50-74% A bit crappy
0-49% Shite

Make of it what you will.

“It’s time for promises to be kept” – Nick Clegg, video before the election… “Say goodbye to broken promises” – Nick Clegg, video before the election …
“I pledge to vote against any increase in fees in the next parliament” – every current Libdem MP, April 2010…….

 

Nick Clegg, 27th Feb 2010

“Q:DO YOU WANT TO VOTE FOR IT (tuition fees)?
A: Of course.

Q: IN AN IDEAL WORLD ALL YOUR
COLLEAGUES WOULD VOTE FOR IT AS WELL?
A: Of course I would like everyone to vote for this, we are not there yet.”

Nick Clegg, Independent on Sunday Dec O5

“…any cabinet minister…    …who comes to me and says, “Here are my plans” and they involve frontline reductions, they’ll be sent straight back to their department to go away and think again”

David Cameron, Andrew Marr show, 2 May 2010

“The (UK Border Agency’s) overall commitment is to cut its budget
by up to 20% in real terms over the next four years
and reduce headcount by around 5,200.”

Theresa May, Parliamentary Answer, 15 November 2010

“….anyone convicted of knife crime should expect to go to jail.

I don’t believe that the government’s ‘presumption to prosecute’ is enough. It doesn’t send a strong enough signal. We need a ‘presumption to prison.”

David Cameron, Glasgow Speech, 7 July 2008

“We’re not setting out absolute tariffs for particular things.
What happens is pundits or newspapers
suggest levels for particular forms of crimes
… it doesn’t work”

Ken Clarke, BBC Interview, December 5th 2010

Via Hope sen.

Printer bombs…The responce.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans are, as usual, carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies “just in case”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”,”I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

From the web .

The village that I live inis full of outrage that expectant mothers were “allegedly” left unattended when Sam Cameron’s baby was born at the expense of the care of local women – one woman was left apparently for 14 hours without any care

As a protest, due to an excess of religion brought about by the Koran burning stuff on the news, on Friday I will partake joyously of a Hot Dog.

This devotive ceremony will remonstrate against the popular paganism’s of the day: Of Christianity (no meat on Friday), Of Judaism (no meat of Pork), Of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal),

Also I will delete my bookmark to “Internet sacred texts”. Its a sort of multifath Koran burning lite.

Winter fule cuts…Don’t say I did’nt warn you.

“We will keep the winter fuel allowance. Let me take this opportunity to say very clearly to any pensioner … You know you are getting letters from the Labour Party that say the Conservatives would cut the winter fuel allowance, would cut the free bus travel, would cut the free television licence.

“These statements by Labour are quite simply lies. I don’t use the word ‘lie’ very often, but I am using it today because they are lies.

David Cameron, March 23rd 2010.

“We will protect key benefits for older people such as the winter fuel allowance, free TV licences, free bus travel, and free eye tests and prescriptions.”

Coalition Policy Programme, May 2010.

Brod says. ..Well, thats that then.

Milk update 9.45am

Now thay,ve U turned!

What are thay going to be like on Trident and canser drugs?

Milk…It did’nt take long.

The milk’s been snatched.